Ms. Pissinpot & Her Pissed Off Adventures

Spilling it like Milk-don't Cry!

Once upon a time in this day and age, there lived a strange, yet wonderful lady named Ms. Pissinpot. Now, Ms. Pissinpot liked to go sailing along the Smell Like Fish Sea. In fact, it was her favorite activity! She also enjoyed dressing in the most fabulous fashions complete with matching accessories. Her hair and make-up also had to be just right.
Oh Ms. Pissinpot had it made! You see, she did not need to even steer the sailboat because she had Minnow sailors doing that for her. They were called Minnow sailors for two reasons. One, because whenever they ran out of the ship’s provisions of regular food, they just ate the minnows that they would normally bait for catching fish with. And two, they were part of the second and third ships from the fleet of Gilligan’s Island. Anyways…they were very helpful chaps to Ms. Pissinpot.
One day, on an excursion, Ms. Pissinpot decided to travel to the Island of Irateness. At this beautiful, red and black land, people were always upset, but the island was gorgeous. Ms. Pissinpot thought her hair was a bit too drab for such an exciting island, so she bought a bright red wig. The experience of purchasing it was frightful!
“I’d like to buy this red wig, said Ms. Pissinpot. “What do you mean?” said the clerk…”It’s our last one!” “I’m sorry, but I really need it to match the red & black accents of your island.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Do you have a problem with your hearing? I said it is our last one!” continued the stingy clerk. “Well I don’t have trouble with my hearing, but I just thought this was a store and at stores we usually buy things we need.” retorted Ms. Pissinpot. “I know what stores are for, but you still did not hear me…it’s our last one!” shouted the clerk. “Well piss on it!” said Ms. Pissinpot. “I’ll just make my own red wig out of whatever shit I find on your island!” shouted Ms. Pissinpot.
Then…all of a sudden, the clerk turned to Ms. Pissinpot and smiled the biggest smile ever. “Oh, dear…I’m sorry to have put you thru all that, but you have to learn our ways here. Take this shitty ‘ol red wig and get the hell out of my store…it’s free of charge. Now run before I change my mind!” said the clerk. So Ms. Pissinpot took the red wig and wore it proudly. She felt a little out of sorts and decided she’d better leave quickly. She went to look for her minnow sailors, but they were nowhere to be found. Well, she didn’t want to be left to steer the sailboat alone, so she went in search for them. She entered a bar called the Bastard’s Bar. “Hey! Look what the cat drug in!” yelled a patron.
“Why hello!” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Hell No!” said a patron. “What the fuck do you want?” asked another. “I’m looking for my Minnow sailors.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Well we haven’t seen any Minnow sailors, minnows, nor sailors. Guess you’re shit out of luck!” said another patron. “My goodness, this place is rude.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Rude? Lady, your hair is rude”, retorted a patron. “Oxo – this place, you people…you get me so…MAD!” shouted Ms. Pissinpot. “Look everybody, she’s mad…even her hair is fiery red!” “That’s it!” —BAM— (Ms. Pissinpot threw a chair down) “If none of you bastards didn’t see my Minnow sailors, you should have just said so!” And with that, Ms. Pissinpot left.
Just as she turned to leave, she heard clapping and felt a little hand upon her shoulder. She turned to look and it was one of the patrons. “Say…uh…they, uh…we were just having a little fun, ya know? I think I saw one of your boys go over to the store there to buy some food. Now scram!” he said. “Aw Fuck-off!” said Ms. Pissinpot. And the helpful patron smiled back. Ms. Pissinpot met up with one of her Minnow sailors, Potsy. “He Ms. Pissinpot! I got all this food for pennies on the dollar! All I had to do was get as mean & ugly as the clerks.” said Potsy. “Do you know where the other sailors are?” asked Ms. Pissinpot. “No, but with all this food, I don’t suspect they’ll want to sail off in any hurry.” replied Potsy. “But who is paying your salary?” asked Ms. Pissinpot. “Well, you are, but I just figured with all this food…” “No, I need to get going now!” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Ya know, me and the boys could easily find employment here – hey…with a bit of practice, I bet even you could get to like it here.” said Potsy. “Well I never!” replied Ms. Pissinpot. “Tell you what…I’ll allow for a feast for tonight, but then we need to get going because I can’t act that primitive and rude for any length of time. I’d simply hate myself.” “Great! I’ll round up the boys.” said Potsy.
So they ate their big feast and sailed off to another island. The island people gave their…”And don’t come back!” sendoff while Ms. Pissinpot and the crew gave their “Screw You!” reply.
On to the next island they went. This island was Isle of Lies. The colors were olive green and turquoise. “Oh man!” said Ms. Pissinpot. “I’ll need some green hair…or maybe turquoise…hmm…” Just then, a patron approached the sailing vessel. “Yo man-it’s such a pleasure to see you! Here’s a bunch of coupons for you. (The coupons were shaped like flowers in a bouquet) I sure hope you enjoy your stay!”
“Wow! Wasn’t that nice! He just gave me some great discounts!” said Ms. Pissinpot to Stinky Pete, one of her sailors. “Yup…really great!” said Stinky Pete. “Well now, I’d like to meet up sometime before dark so tell the boys, will you?” Ms. Pissinpot asked. “Okay.”, replied Stinky Pete. With that, Ms. Pissinpot went to one of the jewelry stores with a coupon. “Hi! I’d like to get this item that’s on the coupon.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “We don’t have it.”, lied the clerk. “Well why is there a coupon for it if you don’t have it?” cried Ms. Pissinpot. “Well there’s lots of other jewelry in here, why don’t you buy some?” asked the clerk. “Because I came in here for this coupon item, this necklace.” said Ms. Pissinpot.
“Do you mean to tell me none of our other jewelry will suit you?” asked the clerk. “No, but I’d think that if you issue a coupon, you should have the item in stock”, said Ms. Pissinpot rather angrily. “How about a rain check?” asked the clerk. “No! Damn it! I just want what’s on the coupon!” Ms. Pissinpot declared. “Let me guess-you spent too much time on the Island of Irateness.”, said the clerk.
Just as Ms. Pissinpot was going to open her mouth to reply, the manager walked in. “What seems to be the trouble, my fine lady?” asked the manager. “Well, your store issued this here coupon for this fine piece of jewelry, but it seems your store doesn’t even carry it!” stated Ms. Pissinpot. “Hmmm…And nothing else will suit you?” asked the manager. “I don’t know and I don’t care. I just came in the store for this one”, said Ms. Pissinpot.
“Joanie, please get Ms. Pissinpot this fine piece of jewelry…it’s in the safe.” said Tom, the manager. “Okay.”, said Joanie. She looked in the safe. “No, I can’t find it, sir.” “Okay, well, it looks like we’re fresh out of that necklace. Can I offer you a raincheck?” asked the manager, Tom. “I guess.” said Ms. Pissinpot…thinking it would probably rain. “We should be getting that in on Tuesday.” he said. “That’s a whole week away! Well, okay.” said Ms. Pissinpot and off she went. The clerks just laughed behind her back. As predicted, it rained all over Ms. Pissinpot.
Next, Ms. Pissinpot went to the eatery called Salivate. “He, say I’ve got a coupon for your dish of the house, Salisbury steak.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Do you have any?” “Sure! Its right there on the coupon, isn’t it?” asked the clerk. “Yes, oh I’m so glad! I’m so hungry!” Ms. Pissinpot said. “I’ll get it served right up…have a seat!” “Okay.” said Ms. Pissinpot and she waited. It seemed like a long, long while, but she still waited. “Here you are, Dear.” said the waitress. “But this doesn’t look to be Salisbury steak.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Just try it.”, said the waitress. “Hey…it’s better than I expected! Thank You!” “You’re welcome dear.” answered the waitress, Flo.
All this time, Ms. Pissinpot was chewing on the finest Grade A steak the restaurant could serve her. She left an unusually large tip and left. Then she went to find her Minnow sailors again. She spied one telling a whopper while eating one too. “Say, I agree that my yacht is another vessel you sail, but we’re stuck here with this little rowboat and we’ll need to get going.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Naw, let’s just stick around and enjoy the scenery. Besides, you never purchased the green or turquoise wig you said you wanted.” said Tubby Tele, a sailor. “Yeah, but I changed my mind.” said Ms. Pissinpot. Out of the blue, one of the islanders held a box. “Hey, I’ve got this brand new wig that’s both green and turquoise and it can be your parting gift.” said the islander.
With that, Ms. Pissinpot paid the islander 95 dollars and left with all the sailors that finally gathered ’round. Off they sailed and the islanders yelled, “Have a great journey! Your next closest island is off to your left and it’s the Island of Honesty!” “Thanks!” The crew and Ms. Pissinpot yelled back and off they sailed to the right.
As they were sailing, Ms. Pissinpot opened her wig box to find a purple wig inside. “Not bad! They really do have great taste! The color is fine!” said Ms. Pissinpot.
Next, they all came upon the island of Secrets & Gossip. Ms. Pissinpot couldn’t get enough of her wonderful new purple wig and had to put it on immediately. “How do I look?” asked Ms. Pissinpot. “Smashing Toots!” said Magillicutty, one of her Minnow sailors. “Now we all know what to expect here, right boys?” “Uh huh!” cheered the boys. Off they went to enjoy the island and all the people there too no matter what. “Hey…Psst”, said Ms. Pissinpot to one of the islanders. “Yeah, yeah, so what you got for me?” asked a foreigner named Jim. “Well one of my Minnow sailors, Charlie, had a famous tuna named after him.” “Really? Wow! What’s the name of the tuna?” he asked. “Chicken of the Sea.” replied Ms. Pissinpot. Another foreigner came up. “Let me introduce you to the locals.” said the islander who was also foreign. “My name is Farrell.” he continued. “You can call me Carol.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Very well. Here’s my best friend Rodney”, said Farrell. “He Rodney. We have a famous actor named Rodney Dangerfield back home.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “Oh really? That’s exciting.” Rodney said. “He doesn’t get any respect.” said Ms. Pissinpot. “That’s too bad.” I have a friend, Carol Burnett I’d like you to meet.” “Okay!”, and they met with Carol Burnett and continued to talk.
Meanwhile, the sailors were having their own conversations of secrets and gossip. “, and Ms. Pissinpot got a bad case of crabs once.” said Potsy. “Yeah”, continued Jack the Ripper Nicholson. “She also ate a jar of botchalism and is still alive to tell about it.”, he said.
Man, that Ms. Pissinpot sounds like a real witch with a heart and stomach of steel!” replied Martha Stewart. “You know I have a chef friend I could introduce her to. His name is Chef Ramsey and he could cook her up something much better than botchalism. With her strong gastric track, I’m certain she could handle anything he cooks up.” “Wow! That sounds great!” said Jack.
Both parties continued on through the night. Ms. Pissinpot got introduced to Chef Ramsey the next day.
Although Ms. Pissinpot was rather pissed about the secrets and gossip that became revealed, she ate quite well and her stomach was satisfied. The Minnow sailors also feasted well.
When they got back home, the sailors and Ms. Pissinpot decided they liked the Island of Secrets & Gossip best and together decided to write a letter back to them.
They told the islanders that Ms. Pissinpot’s head fell off with the weight of all the wigs she bought because she couldn’t decide which one to wear and put them all on her head at once.
The islanders wrote back and sent Rachel Ray pans as gifts and replied that although her death was tragic, they hoped she never actually had to piss in a pot because they were so shiny and magical and not a proper place for pissing.
The crew wrote back to thank the islanders. Somehow, the islanders never caught wind that Ms. Pissinpot was still alive…OR DID THEY?
THE END… (To be continued?)
AUTHOR’S DEDICATION: I, Bonita Louise Christensen, dedicate this story to my mother, Judy Lucinda, who always told me to “Watch it! Or you won’t have a pot to piss in!”
(Thanks Mom!) (She also said, “Loose lips sink ships.”, but I’m not buying that one.)

About bognetta

Love has been so much more powerful than other people's control. I think it's all love, but sometimes it doesn't feel like love. That is because so many people are defensive, protective, and do not care to trust in that four letter!
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